Over the course of these last few months of the semester I have go through wave after wave of depression. Being hit again and again to the point where I was forced to the ground in the middle of my work shift this past Saturday (April 30th, 2017).
I openly admit I’ve thought about suicide. Key word being thought. I will never end my life. Ever since the depression struck I’ve felt like there’s this monster in my head. A big black furred creature who follows me around and asks me about how to die and what I think it’d be like.
I respond naturally and honestly and the monster goes quiet. Allow me to give you an example.
Monster: “What do you think jumping from a building feels like?”
Me while walking through a area with a lot of tall buildings: “Probably breath taking and then a lot of ow if you don’t die outright.”
Monster: ” Oh, alright.”
I’ve had these exchanges with this monster many times. One time I actually thought what if I really did try to jump off a building and began to roll the scenario in my head. I was on the roof of some apartment building with no one around. I closed my eyes, took a breath and walked off the edge. However before I could even begin to fall I was grabbed and pulled back on top of the building.
Now normally you’d think there’d be a loved one there, a mother, a father, perhaps the woman/man you love. For me, it was the monster. This monster that asked me so many times “Do I wanna die? How would you do it? Are you okay with death? Etc…” it stopped me from jumping.
The vision faded from my mind as I returned to reality to find I was before the health and wellness center here in Alfred state campus. It was 7:59am and I was almost late for my councilor’s appointment. I didn’t talk about the monster that day but someday I will.
The moral of the story I’m trying to get at is well, sometimes help can come from the strangest of places. Even from a monstrous manifestation of your own depression. Perhaps that’s just me.